NEVER LOSE KINDNESS - A Story of Gratitude, Grief, Grace and LOVE

It’s hard to believe two years have passed. It’s hard to believe I survived two years without my North Star and biggest supporter.

I always dreamed of having the Barbie Dream House. I never got the Barbie Dream Home. I had to get creative! ‘It’s not about what you get, but what you give’ this was a phrase ingrained in me by my Mother from an early age. She raised us with a strong sense of values of doing onto others.

It’s better to give than to receive was a phrase my Mom often uttered. She showered us with love and that was better than any gift I could of ever asked for.

September 9th, 2021 a day I’ll never forget. It was the first day of school for many and it was last day I would have with my Mom.

It was a gray September morning and I had planned to take my mom out for a bit of a drive and a special Mother and Daughter lunch. I remember discussing minor logistics for our day. ‘Should we sit inside or out?’ It wasn’t a great day weather wise but covid fears still lingered. ‘What do they have?’ my Mom inquired about the menu. ‘Lots of things I know you will like.’

I remember so many little details about that day. I was wearing a red and white polka dot shirt and jeans while my mom had decided to wear white pants and a navy blouse. I remember joking saying it looked like we are coordinated in red. white and blue — ready to hit the campaign trail! I remember giving her a spritz of my Mario Badesco lavender face mist as she squinted her face and said ooh, what is that? I remember her sharing photos she received earlier that morning of the grandkids dressed and ready for the first day of school.

In particular, I remember how she was showered, dressed, make up on and was all ready and waiting before me, which was never the case. She was looking forward to our day out. It had been a tough year and a long pandemic lockdown so any form of outing and gathering had a renewed appreciation. So my mom and I set off to share our Mother / Daughter Day. I planned a lunch a little further afield so we could enjoy a scenic drive and meet with a friend.

It was a gray morning and our drive was a little quieter than normal. We casually conversed about friends and life a little and reminiscing about some of the sights as we drove past them.

For a few reasons we were both a little quieter than usual. I had a lot on my mind as I was mentally preparing for a meeting I had bright and early the following morning and I hadn’t finished all of the work yet. In the quiet stillness I simply figured we were just conserving our energy for our lunch chat.

One thing we talked about, as Mother’s often do, was how times have changed. She was feeling a little down about social media and the way people stay ‘connected’ today. She said she didn’t understand it. My mother was not one to brag or talk about herself so she didn’t share ‘content’, however, she did like to scroll to see friends and family.

I said I could relate and that I guess it is just how the world works now. We talk at each other, not with each other. It was a sad realisation for both of us. We didn’t talk much more about it.

I continued to drive and we soon stopped at a Farmer’s Market / Garden Center en route to our lunch outing.

We needed a rest stop. I remember pulling in and admiring the fresh mums in front of us. Mostly plum colored ones and said to my Mom we should pick up some on our way out. We both love Mums.

We never got that chance.

My mom, always conscious of others feelings and being an imposition made sure I asked if we could use the restroom. It was then I encountered a warm and kind face that I remember so vividly. It was strange because it was a bit like life was moving in slow motion at this point. I can’t say why, but I remember just having a particular feeling about her. She welcomed me and showed me the way to the restroom promising it might be a bit far, but it was just cleaned. I remember noting her glowing skin and kind helpful ways I could never predict how her and I would forever be connected.

I saw the path. It looked far. Far and uneven surfaces. I knew my mom would be scared due to her growing difficulty walking and fear of falling, but I didn’t know an alternative. We were in the middle of nowhere and there certainly was no other foreseeable alternative. It was farther than I think my Mom could handle, but decided that I would not let that fear hold her back. Was that the right decision?

Arm in arm I walked my Mom at a steady and increased pace, greeting our new welcoming friend along the way. I was on the left side of my mom and my mom had her left arm around my shoulder. I could tell my mom was focused as she would normally stop to chat but figured she was saving her gift to gab for our check out. We made it to the end of the long wooden plank like path before needing to make a turn. It was here my Mom stopped and said I feel a little light headed. I said ‘Don’t worry, we are not in a rush, you have all the time in the world.’

She didn’t.

My Mom instantly dropped to the floor. I immediately knew something was wrong and it was not just a fall. She was completely unresponsive. I could see her complexion was slowly turning slightly blue toned. I was in complete shock, yet, I went into an immediate state of calm and action. My initial thought was stroke. I checked her tongue and tried to turn her on her side. She had not swallowed her tongue But, she was completely unresponsive. For whatever reason, that day, I left my handbag in the car but had my phone immediately available in my pocket. I did not need to fidget for it. I instantly called 9-11. I did not know exactly where I was and EVERY SECOND counted.

I started CPR. The first thing I felt was me breaking my Mom’s breast bone. This still haunts me. Did I do it wrong? Too hard? I was using all my might to save my Mom’s life, was it enough?

I still carry guilt that I am working on daily. What if I didn’t take her out that day? What if I didn’t make her walk that far? Was I pushing her too much? Did I try to have us walk too fast? I have so many wonderful memories of my mom. But my brain sometimes likes to replay the very last.

I immediately started doing CPR. I didn’t stop. I screamed for help. Eventually a man that was at the farm stand came behind me and offered help. As he assisted I just kept praying to God while I stroked my mom’s hair and just kept thanking her and telling her how much we needed her and that she couldn’t leave us. I thanked her for everything and reminded her that she was our everything. We needed her, she couldn’t leave us. I remember lying there on the ground next to her at this point my jeans were completely covered in dirt from the unfinished farm stand floor as I sat next to her fluctuating between a state of survival and solitude. I was now alone. Deep deep down I knew my mom had left this Earth, but my heart, my head, my soul could not comprehend a loss so great and I laid next to her struggling and using every ounce of will and prayer I could muster to reverse the outcome.

When the Ambulances finally arrived. It felt like eternity as in my mind I was calculating every second my mom was laying on the ground, wondering if she was getting oxygen to her brain, wondering if I never took her out that day if ambulances could of arrived faster. Wondering how long until I could see her awake from this horrible dream so I could hug her again and we could carry on with the Mother Daughter lunch I had planned. We had to. This was a bad dream and we needed to continue the perfect day I had planned.

When the Ambulances arrived all I could read was NEW HOPE, NEW HOPE. There were two ambulances, apparently that is protocal. They read New Hope as that is the town in which they were coming from. New Hope, Pennsylvannia. I am not sure if this is significant or simply coincidence, but it gave me a moment of solace. I carry that moment and that phrase with me. ‘New Hope’.

I think it is natural for the resilient Human Spirit to want to put a silver lining or a positive spin on the most painful and unimaginable moments. We want to heal and maybe this is the tourniquet to a broken and bleeding heart? The first immediate action to survive.

As time has passed moments have eased, yet also amplified, Grief is certainly not linear. It does come in waves and sometimes completely unexpected and I am not prepared for a sudden tsunami that arises without warning. But, mostly it is subtle daily waves. Of course, the big moments amplify the hole in my heart but the small moments do almost as much. A funny little moment and I reach for my phone to call and share with my mom. The first time I got sick and didn’t have a Mom to call. No matter how old you are, if you were lucky to have a mom like mine, we all want our Moms to laugh with or tell us it’s all going to be ok!

I have had time to process or at least in part process the most significant loss in my life, my Mom. I can say the sun still peaks through as a reminder that my Mom is there. She lives on in her friends that reach out when I need it most. She lives on in my Dad, siblings, and niece and nephews. And I know for certain she lives on in the hearts of so many friends and maybe even more so in complete strangers she helped and impacted. And she certainly lives on in me.

During Grief there is also grace and there is goodness and from that there is gratitiude.

I don’t know if it will ever go away, I don’t know if I want it to? The memory of my Mom is everything - love, joy, pain, sorrow, hope. It is not one singular feeling. Nor was she and she will live on in me in all that depth and dimension.

On my 20≠ hour drive back down to Miami after the wake, the funeral, the burial, the repass I remember listening to a Podcast by Brene Brown discussing vulnerability. There was a moment in the episode discussing loss….What do you say to someone that is going through loss?

‘What do you say to someone who witnessed their Mom die in front of them?’ Nothing.

Just listen. It is not about you and this is where true vulnerability comes in. It is not easy. It hurts.

I am reminded by that symbol of NEW HOPE. or simply HOPE. It appeared in so many ways during days that I only remember in a very raw haze. I witnessed gratitude and grace that day and continue to today.

I remember my mom’s best friends that continually reach out especially on significant holidays to ‘just talk and check in’ as she loved to do. To share memories of their 50+ year long friendships. To be maternal love, guides, and support. Please don’t ever stop doing this. Having Moms in my life is so important to me especially now.

I remember arriving at a friend’s house who was up waiting with wine and a charcuterie board (my love language) She listened and we laughed. These little moments are what add up to big moments. These little moments are life.

A long-standing friend listening on the other end of the phone about a few weeks after my Mom’s funeral when I simply could no longer hold back the emotion and I just ugly cried. He sat and listened for what felt like hours. It was weeks since my mom died and I was holding it together for everyone until I just couldn’t. It was weeks of held back shock, tears and grief.

A dear friend that shared the news with others so I did not have to keep reliving that painful day and what had happened. She gathered my gang so I had extra support at my mom’s wake and continued to reach out and make plans with me so I stayed active. She has been my pillar of strength when I couldn’t find my own.

One of my oldest friends coming right into the eye of the storm. Arriving at my parent’s house the following morning after my Mom passed and before the wake. She didn’t know what kind of emotion she would meet yet somehow all we could do was laugh and share happy stories.

Witnessing the largest group of friends turn up and show up. Friends I always knew I had but didn’t truly know how badly I needed.

A long time friend that despite a busy schedule was there for everything from the wake to the funeral to the burial and repass and the family gathering before and after. She attended everything like a loyal fan snagging tickets to a sold out concert. She didn’t miss any of it.

My group of hometown friends that showered me and my family with love and took care of us with food and hospitality.

Friends from afar and overseas that could not physically be here but sent love and flowers and kindness from across oceans.

Friends that showed up the moment of my mom’s passing and stayed there through everything….laughter, tears, memories, heartbreak.

And remember that warm angelic face at the farm stand? Her name is Karen. As she introduced herself, she said Karen - don’t worry not that kind.

That irony was not lost on me even in the midst of all the immediate fear, panic, uncertainty and emotion we laughed as she shared her name.

There was so much going on. I thought I could ride in the Ambulance with my mom to be with her when they revived her like I saw in the movies. But that is not how it played out. They just took her. I had no update on her status or where she was going or how to get there. Karen offered to drive to the hospital where the Ambulances took my Mom so that I could follow her.

Karen is not what a trend and society has coined. Karen was my angel that day and heaven sent. We remain friends and I never could of imagined her not being a part of my most painful moment in life. Karen was my grace in the midst of my soon to discover grief and for her I am so so very grateful.

My mom was so brilliant at leading with her heart. She didn’t second guess following hers.

Mom, you gave me the gift of life. I promise to do my best to live up to the very very high bar you set by how you lived and treated others. When I miss you and I am sad I think of your name Nancy Louise Knof then I think of your initials - NLK - and say to myself, ‘NEVER LOSE KINDNESS’. Above all, you were kind. You were kind to EVERYONE I try to do and be the same.

The further away I moved the closer we became. Because I could no longer take the everyday for granted. I miss you everyday, Mom. I carry your heart. I try to honor you daily and in your loving memory I became certified in CPR so I can protect the hearts of those around me.

In honor of my cherished Mother, Nancy Louise Knof, I ask to remember her and honor her and ‘NEVER LOSE KINDNESS. And just maybe we can all find NEW HOPE.

This tribute may be late, but so was my Mom. Always! My Mom was always late! She was an eternal optimist that always thought there was more time than she had. So on that note, in honor of my Mom, don’t hold back. Say the words you need to. We don’t ever have the time we think we have. It is precious. When someone gives you theirs, cherish it. Time is so truly precious. There is no greater gift.

I love you always Mommy. I am forever grateful that I was with you to the last beat of your heart. A gift that left a scar, but one I would never give up. You held me on my first breath and I held you on your last. Until I see you again, I love you always.

I love and miss you and will forever cherish all the gifts you gave me, they reside within me.

Your gypsy, your Londoner, the Floridian, your daughter, Susan